Why Talking to Strangers Makes Us Happier

From Chapter 1 of the new book GRP The Golden Rule Paradox

If you had a choice during your morning commute, which would you choose: a train car where people regularly talked to one another, or a quiet car where everyone kept to themselves?

When commuters were surveyed, 84 percent said they would prefer the quiet car.

Then scientists tested that assumption—and discovered that people were happier when they did the opposite.

That surprising revelation illustrates the central premise of the new book GRP—The Golden Rule Paradox: Thinking of others first benefits you the most. We just don’t realize how often it’s happening.

Behavioral scientists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder wanted to test the results of that survey, something most of us simply assume to be true: When surrounded by strangers, are we happier keeping to ourselves?

So instead of asking people what they thought would happen, they asked commuters to actually find out.

Talk to the Stranger—or Keep to Yourself

Commuters traveling by train or bus were assigned different instructions.

The researchers offered commuters a $5 Starbucks gift card, then put them into two groups: each person in the first group was instructed to start a conversation with the stranger who was seated next to them. The members of the second group were instructed to keep to themselves throughout the commute.

The results of the experiment with the exact opposite of what the commuters expected!

From the group that was instructed to interact with strangers, there was a consistent theme: participants stated they enjoyed their commute more than normal, and found the social connections far more rewarding than expected. And, almost all reported having a better day as a whole. Through giving of themselves—by talking to a stranger—the commuters said the study actually had a bigger impact on themselves, instead of the “strangers” they were trying to help. Furthermore, most of them stated expectations that some strangers would be difficult to talk to, perhaps even choosing to ignore them altogether. 

Amazingly, once the follow-up survey was completed, every single person in the interaction group said there was not one stranger that did not interact with them.

Both people benefited from an interaction that many of them would never have initiated on their own.

That is an extraordinarily simple example of GRP—The Golden Rule Paradox:

Thinking of others first benefits you the most.

Why Do We Get This So Wrong?

Think about what happens when you decide to talk to the person sitting beside you.

For a moment, your attention leaves yourself.

You ask a question.

You listen.

You become interested in another human being.

You give that person some of your attention, curiosity, and time.

And something comes back.

Connection.

The fascinating part is that most of us underestimate how good that connection will feel.

We imagine awkward silences. We assume the other person doesn’t want to talk. We think we’ll be happier scrolling through our phones, answering emails, listening to music, or simply being left alone.

So millions of us can sit inches away from one another every day while barely acknowledging that the other person exists.

And then we wonder why people feel increasingly disconnected.

The Phone or the Person?

This doesn’t mean you should start bothering everyone wearing headphones on the subway.

It means we routinely overlook small opportunities for human connection because we underestimate what those interactions give back to us.

The next time you have a natural opportunity, try the experiment yourself.

Talk to the person serving your coffee instead of simply ordering from them.

Introduce yourself to the neighbor you’ve nodded at for three years.

Ask the coworker two desks away something you genuinely want to know about them.

Put the phone away for a few minutes and talk to the person next to you.

Then pay attention to how you feel afterward.

You don’t have to take GRP’s word for it.

Run the experiment yourself.

A Small Experiment With a Much Bigger Message

A conversation between two strangers on a train doesn’t sound particularly profound.

But that’s exactly why this study is so important.

Those in the group that gave of themselves by talking to strangers, reported having the most positive commute that they could remember. Again, the truth was the opposite of their expectations. 

Psychologists have found time and time again that connecting with others (even strangers!) is the most important ingredient in determining a person’s happiness. (GRP Chapter 1, p. 8)

GRP isn’t something that exists only in extraordinary acts of generosity or tremendous personal sacrifice.

It is happening in the smallest interactions of our everyday lives.

We think turning inward will make us happier.

Instead, sometimes the quickest way to improve our own day is to turn outward and improve someone else’s.

A conversation.

A question.

A smile.

A few minutes of genuine interest in another person.

The train study is only one of the many examples explored in GRP—The Golden Rule Paradox showing the same surprising phenomenon at work.

When we connect with others, we aren’t only giving something to them.

We are giving something to ourselves.

That is GRP.